I still see you around
It’s not really you, and I know that, but sometimes I feel like it is, I feel like I could see you right there next to me again.
When that song that reminds me of you plays or I see someone with a smile like yours, it feels like you’re right there.
In that moment, when it feels like we’re together again, all those memories come rushing back and all the progress i’ve made to let you go just disappears. Then I get snapped back to reality and I’m faced with all that pain again, as if I was never able to let you go.
Maybe that’s the point though, maybe I still haven’t fully let you go?
I’ve spent a lot of energy trying to surrender the emotions I felt with you, to stop thinking about where things went wrong or what I did that pushed you so far from me, and yet every time I hear someone with your laugh it feels like we’re back on that bridge.
You inspired me to be someone better, to be more passionate, to be more present — and I think about that a lot, about the type of person I was when we were together and how much I loved being that person.
Who I was with you is who I want to be.
But with all of that said, I think one of the hardest things about all of this is knowing that you probably haven’t thought twice about me since that night — knowing that I probably never meant as much to you as you did to me.
That despite how open we were with each other, the stories we shared and connections we had, that to you it may have just been another conversation.
I think I’m still searching for a reason, an answer, a real sense of closure to understand how things went so bad, so fast. I’m still trying to understand what happened between us.
I’ll never get that answer though, I’ll never know what drove us so far apart so quickly, and that’s on me to accept.
All I can say now is that I hope one day I don’t see you anymore. I hope one day you are nothing more than some memory in the back of my mind, a story, an urban legend.
It’s okay not to be okay. Never stop caring.
Need to talk? I’m here.
Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1–800–273–8255
